What would you do? normal morality

There are some people out there helping others in their spare time and good on them. But what if you have mixed feeling towards that - ie, maybe you're a bad person who just doesn't get it but imagine dating a saint who donates a lot of his or her money + time to activist groups - like too much. And you feel like it's ruining the two of you and ashamed to be like that.

The issue of personal space is important and usually one partner will be dissatisfied on it. You're not a clingy person but just want more time with (SO).

You're not normally a jealous type but you're not comfortable to see her spend a lot of her free time after work and on weekends to be with her group. And basically work for free for long periods. You try to understand but you constantly feel unhappy about it. She is stubborn but she is caring. That trait is ironically one of the best part of her that makes it too morally hard. You're not like her in the idealistic drive.

But you think you're normal and (SO) is being a weirdo. What would you have "HONESTLY" done afterwards if you're unwilling to break up? and don't give politically correct reasons but real ones. Would you have pressured them to quit? yes or no?

What the hell, grow balls and speak your mind infront of you gf lul.

dogface9 wrote: There are some people out there helping others in their spare time and good on them. But what if you have mixed feeling towards that - ie, maybe you're a bad person who just doesn't get it but imagine dating a saint who donates a lot of his or her money + time to activist groups - like too much. And you feel like it's ruining the two of you and ashamed to be like that.

The issue of personal space is important and usually one partner will be dissatisfied on it. You're not a clingy person but just want more time with (SO).

You're not normally a jealous type but you're not comfortable to see her spend a lot of her free time after work and on weekends to be with her group. And basically work for free for long periods. You try to understand but you constantly feel unhappy about it. She is stubborn but she is caring. That trait is ironically one of the best part of her that makes it too morally hard. You're not like her in the idealistic drive.

But you think you're normal and (SO) is being a weirdo. What would you have "HONESTLY" done afterwards if you're unwilling to break up? and don't give politically correct reasons but real ones. Would you have pressured them to quit? yes or no?

To be honest i am kind of similar and also volunteer and work for nothing a lot..I would say,if its affecting the relationship though on your side?If I was in her position and had a partner that felt like you did,I would try and do my best to balance out time with my partner and balance it with the volunteering..As too much of one thing is also not good.Otherwise i would not have time for either and its pointless to be in a relationship with a person i have no time for..Even though i like helping others and volunteering,It should not just be all one way or the other..I feel personally,even if shes a nice person,there also has to be boundaries and telling people no,instead of saying yes to everyone and everything and ignoring my partner..Some people just dont know how to say no,and thats not healthy either.Personally i wouldnt ask her to quit entirely?but to at least try and limit it to a few projects or even one,depending on how big the volunteer project is..For her it probably makes her feel good..So asking someone to completly abandon what they enjoy and makes them happy is also not the right way to go about it.Just needs balance..For example,workaholics,I would either have to accept that the guy has no time for me and works a lot(which i would not do,i would find someone with time) or i would ask them if they could somehow get their hours reduced,but also depends on the finances..So many hours working and than not,also costs,but if things are okay finacially than hours can be reduced,if not and theres a lot of debt built up,than working a lot would be a must and i can understand that,but still would not be a person for me,who collects mass amounts of debt to the point of working so much they are never seen..I would say if she is not willing to reduce her hours away,and not willing to give you more time?I would not want to be with a person like that honestly,it would not meet my criteria and i would not just settle,regardless of how nice the person is..Quality time is what i value most and if someone wont make time for me?Than i do not want to be with them,as they,in my eyes do not care enough to make me someone a priority and do not value my time either..Otherwise if you want to force yourself to be with such a person.Than it would be your job to make yourself busy and not just wait for them to give you a small snippet of time.I find it degrading when someone wont make time for me..

It just seems like being in a legit relationship that requires her to slow down and spend more quality time together isn't a priority at the moment. She is more focused on her work and volunteering. Trying to argue about it or change her ways most likely will push her away. Some people just aren't ready to be in a serious relationship for many reasons. Timing or mindset isn't quite in line with facilitating a true relationship. Some times two people can be a great match but the timing or life stage isn't right. It sucks and the fear is you'll never find a person like that etc., but humans are complicated. I also wish it were more simple

Try to convince her to MAKE time for a proper talk about all this. I know we're all "busy" but give each other the gift of our attention when someone genuine is trying to communicate with you. Seems we've forgotten how to have a real face-to-face talk without arguing.

Best of luck on that conversation. I hope everything gets worked out and there is no resentment. Seems we've forgotten how to have a real face-to-face talk without arguing. Keep things calm and hear what she has to say - not an easy thing to do when you're worked up, I know.

I think this case depends on some variables, so many ways are possible

If you already told her how you felt and she didn't said or did anything yet you should look at her action. Does she seem to consider it or try to slowly change it or no? Maybe bringing it up a week later or so, to give her some time to either consider it or make the first step to more time with you is necessary. If she still blocks the topic or is completely ignorant to your feeling I guess ending it would be reasonable. If she just needs more time to slowly change her pattern I would give her. If she is so dedicated to voluteering and helping, then decreasing it would take some time to not make her feel bad.

If you didnt brought it up yet then the case is different. Speaking about your feelings and your needs is necessary in a relationship. Where is the point of a relationship if you feel unimportant and let down the whole time?
That being said you should mention it and try to talk about your feelings with honesty.
There is a big BUT though. You can't espect her to cometely give it up. If that is your wish, then I think you don't value what she likes enough. You should never drive her in a corner ans make her decide between you or volunteering. Tuning the volunteering down to make some more time for you two is reasonable though. So when mentioning it, (if i were you) i would tell her that you would like to spend more time with her. That you know how important volunteering is for her, and that you encourage her in rping it, but that you feel your relationship comes a bit too short when compared to the volunteering and everything else. And if it was possible to maybe make a bit more time for you two. And then see how she reacts

Well she sounds like the type of person who kinda care about too many things to put in proper attention in this relationship. Any meaningful relationship needs some good amount of care and attention, and a person's energy is limited. If she can't realize the importance of prioritization, then there's a lack of brain in maintaining this relationship even if she genuinely cares about you. Then again, if she does care a lot, she would put in good effort to prioritize better, unless she doesn't.

In general, being compassionate is a good trait, but being too compassionate is just stupidity, like the farmer who got bitten by the viper.

Keep communicating.

if breaking up is not an option, then someone needs to adjust. if i was dealing with a stubborn mule i really like, ill most likely do the adjusting. not in full effect though, and id be somewhat on full alert at the thought of ending it if things dont work out.

tralalala wrote: What the hell, grow balls and speak your mind infront of you gf lul.

Lewl

Hm...what she does in her own time is up to her. I think it's pretty fucked up that you feel the need to persuade her to stop. If you think you guys need to spend more time together then tell her that or just break up if you feel like nothing will change cause shes "stubborn". P.s Being weird is the norm. How does one act normal?

I think that no matter how busy the person is and their agenda could be complete. Everything has its balance, limit and good organization of time. At some point the two people can be a great couple, however, the stage, the circumstances is not as indicated.
I think she is more focused on her work and volunteering. It is good to help altruistically as a volunteer a few nonprofit groups as long as you manage their time well. She should consider saying No to certain activities when necessary.
Every important relationship needs a good amount of attention, understanding, commitment, and care.
If she can't figure out how vital a relationship is, even though she cares about you and there is no effort or action on her part, she hints at possible subtle results.
Try to search and speak at an opportune moment for that she gives you time to have a conversation about what she is currently feeling and how to solve in the best possible way. If you have taken the first step and you said what you felt,
Try not to pressure or hurt her feelings by trying to change her group activities abruptly, you must have an honest conversation, and give her the necessary time and personal space.
Observe their reaction and if she has reflected on it and tries to gradually change her activities. Keep in mind that making a person decide between you or your activity can be very difficult for them. Talk to her, tell her that is important and that you would like to spend more time with her. That regardless of the decision you make, you will support and encourage it.

You should know how important volunteering is to her and that you encourage her to do it, but talk to her that you feel that your relationship is too short compared to volunteering and all the daily activities.
Realistically in relationships we focus entirely on our professional / altruistic activities, and neglect our priority attention when the genuine person is trying to communicate with you.

The most recommended is that you have a calm conversation, be a good listener in what he has to say, without altering or arguing, clarify your current situation, misunderstandings, come to an agreement on what to do to keep your stable and fluid relationship.

I wish you well in that conversation. I hope that your expectations and feelings are resolved and there are no conflicts, unnecessary grudges.